My Baptism

This past Sunday, I was baptized at my church. I came to Christ this past fall, October 17 if you want to be exact, and i felt i was ready to be baptized after hearing a sermon about baptism one Sunday morning. I was very convicted that Baptism was something that God commanded us to do. and so was very excited to tell my parents about my decision. once i got home from service i informed them on what i planned to do the following month and asked them if they wanted to come and support me. my mother was pretty much speechless and my father was quite opposed to say the least. and i cant really say that i didnt expect that, but over time i imagine they must have realized that even if they didnt agree with what i was doing, they still wanted to support me in my decision to be baptized. and i am so grateful for that now. what i am ashamed to admit is that on the morning of my baptism (before i arrived at church) my parents said that they definitely wanted to come and support, and I was the one who wasnt too thrilled about them coming. my reasoning being that they were so opposed to my being baptized at one point, and now they all of a sudden want to be a part of this big day in my life? i was angry and confused. why couldnt they have told me sooner? i had spent hours worrying if this decision would cause a rift between me and my parents forever. and now it seemed like all of those hours could have been spared had they only told me how they truly felt about the situation. so i was upset. i even told them that i wasnt sure if i wanted them there. i left the house in a state of anguish and confusion.

as i walked to church, i began to pray. and then when i arrived at church i talked with someone about how i was feeling. talking through it seemed to clarify my thoughts. when it came down to what i really wanted- i wanted my family there. it would also be a great way to witness to them and give them a chance to hear the gospel, not to mention many other people's testimonies as well. So i called my parents shortly after talking with this person and apologized for how i had made them feel. then i told them that i truly wanted them to come, and that i was so thankful that they loved me and wanted to come. it was a really emotional morning, but it was a wonderful morning too.

it felt great to make a public statement of my faith with my best friends and family all around. and afterward how they said they were proud of me. the only thing i could really reflect on though, was how good the Lord has been to me. i cant even begin to describe the renewed gratitude for the gift of His grace in my life. and also He has blessed me with this morning, i thought. Everything that happened this morning, it was because of God. My baptism is a day in my life that will never be forgotten, and it has inspired me with a stronger desire to grow spiritually.

Seasons

So lately ive been thinking a lot about dating. i mean its pretty hard not too when virtually every conversation that takes place at my school is about said topic. i had made a promise not to date until college, but that didnt quite satisfy my curiosities about the way godly dating relationships should look. my approach, of course, was research. so i asked my youth pastor if he knew of any good books on dating, and of course he did. A few nights ago i decided to dive right in. to say that i was shocked at what i found would be an understatement.

'the gift of singlehood!?!...from friendship to matrimony!?!....i thought this book was going to be about dating, but it sure seemed like this author didnt approve of dating at all!' (or so it seemed from the table of contents) unfortunately, my own naivete, hindered me from noticing the very title of the book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye by: Joshua Harris. at that point i was about to put the book down because...well.... that was just not what i had signed up for. the aspiration of my existence for the past three years had been, 'I must find a boyfriend. im only happy when i have a boyfriend. ' and thats sure how it seemed seeing as how whenever i didn't have a boyfriend, i was perpetually looking for one. so how on earth could being single be a gift?! and friendship to matrimony? how was that even supposed to work? But, really, i knew that my old mindset of dating wasn't really how a Christian's should be, and so i decided to give this Joshua Harris a shot.

The first chapter caught my attention immediately, and from there on out i became so interested. the book was divided into four parts, but what i really want to get at and discuss right now is just a tiny fragment of a chapter in Part Two. the name of the chapter was: "The Right Thing at the Wrong Time is the Wrong Thing."
and how very true i believe that statement to be now. you see, Mr. Harris compared the seasons of the year to the "seasons" of our lives. Singlehood is a season in everyones life that a person can either choose to embrace or rush out of. so often have i wanted to skip this time of singlehood and get on with dating, but now i realize that God has blessed me with this time of singlehood so that i have the opportunity to focus my life on furthering His kingdom and for my undistracted devotion to Him.

now there are many, and i mean many other topics addressed in this book that i would love to discuss, but i dont believe that a blog is the place to do so. i simply felt the need to jot down some thoughts that i had come up with that really stirred me up as i read this book. i could never do this topic justice or even fully convey my thoughts on this through writing, so i highly recommend this book to any and all of you. (and please, let me know what you think) Well then, it looks like i may have a new favorite season.

Masquerade

Maybe you have seen The Phantom of the Opera. if you have, then you might recall that the first scene in Act Two began on a grand staircase in the opera house. everyone was dressed in extravagant attire and adorned with a mask held over the eyes and nose- so that nobody could identify who anyone else was. this kind of costume party is called a masquerade.

i am currently in the cast of my high school's spring musical. this past weekend we were able to showcase all of our hard work in three different performances. i love performing, applying over-the-top make-up, and wearing pretty costumes. to me, the only downside to putting on a show is the waiting behind scenes. you see, when the cast is not on stage, we are told not to make a sound. i do not enjoy this, but whenever i am faced with this command of silence, i find that the only thing i can do to occupy my time is to think.

so on opening night i began to observe some of the other actors and actresses sitting in silence around me. i wondered what they were thinking about. i wondered what they would do when the curtain fell and everyone went home. i wondered if everyone loved doing this just as much as i do. and then one of them got up and ran onstage. i listened to him act his part. he is a wonderful actor. at that point i realized how natural it is to me (and probably to everyone else who loves performing) to go from a state of quiet submission- to bigger than life characters. it is something i can do without thinking. this is acting. this love of being someone who you are not, doing things you might never ordinarily do.

now this is all very fine and good. for an actor. but is it such a good thing for someone to have the ability to jump into a different state when the going gets rough? as i continued to sit behind the curtain i tried to identify times in my life when i was faced with something i didnt want to deal with and 'acted' my way out of it. surprisingly enough, i came up with a few situations right off the bat. like the time when i was a little girl and my mother told me to clean my room- to make the task go a little faster, i pretended to be the servant of a princess. i was cleaning her room, not mine. now that one was innocent, but as i continued in my thoughts i began to remember times in my more recent past when i used this 'acting technique'.

i was once again in trouble with my parents. i had done something very very wrong. so when the lectures came, as i new they would- i tuned out. i nodded when there were little silences and threw in a couple 'im sorrys' here and there. and when it was all over- all i wanted to do was run. i wanted to get out of my house, out of celina even. but i couldnt run. it was late, and i had been banished to my room. 'What could i do?' i simply couldn't stay in my room, with nothing to accompany me but my thoughts- this angry whirlwind racing through my brain. i would lose it. i would cry. and i couldnt cry! that would mean that they would be back to say, "We love you, honey, but we just dont know whats gotten into you! You never used to do things like this!" and i certainly didnt want to hear that again. so i didnt think. i was somebody else. i totally removed myself from the situation- making believe that i was just fine, that i didnt have these problems that they were accusing me of- making everyone else see the Andrea that i wanted them to see- or rather- the Andrea i knew they wanted to see.

do you see the difference between the young me 'acting' my way out of a bad situation and the older me doing the same thing? when i was younger, my play acting stopped after a few minutes or hours, but when i got older i play acted for days, months. i never let reality hit. i just acted until i finally saw how disgusting i was becoming. my life was becoming one big masquerade ball. nobody really knew what was going on behind the scenes, behind my mask.

at this point i am backstage again- still thinking about acting and if it is a bad thing to use in real life. and i concluded, yes. acting can be dangerous if i use it to hide myself from everyone else. wearing my mask only created more hurt than what i had started with.

Yet i dont believe that i will be acting my way out of anything anytime soon. My days of only showing the world my masked face are through. i dont ever have to lie again. really, thats all i was ever doing in the first place. lying to people about my emotional identity. but now i know that i am not that disgusting girl from before, and i am thrilled to just be me.

Shortcuts

I walk home from school nearly everyday. And by "home", i mean my father's business, Wilson Shoe Store. It is not my actual home, but it might as well be considering how much time i spend up here. Its the only place i have access to a computer. So whenever you read this blog...know that i am in the midst of thousands of shoes.

Anyway, that is besides the point. The point is: that i walk here after school. Now on these walks i am by myself, with no one else. And if you know me very well, you understand that i love company and that telling me that i am going to be alone for even a little while is the equivalent of torture. So these walks were dreaded. I always used to plug in my iPod and just kind of tune out to the world. no pun intended.

But a few weeks ago during a book study with my Sr. high youth group i read about a really revolutionary idea. I could use these 10-15 minute daily walks (depending on my energy level) to talk with God. 'Why didnt i think of this before?' i wondered. And after only a few days of trying this different kind of "quiet time" i realized that my stress levels had started to drop. Only then did i realize that when i was "tuning out" i was really subconciously stressing myself out about- being behind on schoolwork, some remark some girl made about my outfit that day, an argument i had with my friend, etc. So when i started praying on my walks home, i was consciously giving my troubles over to the Lord. And soon enough, i began to look forward to walking home. There would never be another day when i was dying for a shortcut.